Final Thoughts on My Chosen Name: Feedback Welcome!
Crossposting in a few queer/nonbinary/trans spaces for some idea ping ponging, feedback, solidarity, validation, etc. TLDR: Name change feelings. Skip to step 3 for "the point".
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When I came out as Nonbinary in 2020, I changed my name entirely online and in real life. The only things lacking have been legalities, which are in the works currently.
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The name I chose, Wyntre Nyx Mann, Isn't 100% set in stone. So before the changes are unchangeable, I'd like to toss around some ideas and some reservations, and some areas I think I'd like to adjust and fine tweak in these final moments. After all, a name is quite important you know.
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DISCLAIMER: My deadname WILL be written in this post. I give NO ONE consent to use my deadname in relation to me in any way, shape, or form. Thank you for respecting this boundary in advance <3 I appriciate you choosing respect and kindness.
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Step 1: Context! Let's learn and remember why I chose each piece of the name, and what it was before, and look where came from.
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First name:
Birth: Isabella
Chosen: Wyntre
Status: 100% deadset. Unchangeable.
Summary of reasoning:
My family always called me Bella or Bell and I hated it so much.
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I am HUGE into video games, social media, and over all being online. My gamertag/online name has been the same since middle school "WyntreBlossom". Its a combo of my middle name (Wyntre) and cherry blossoms because at the time of creating the username, I was very strongly obsessed with Naruto. I loved Sakura as a character and developed a love for Sakura trees and cherry trees and cheery blossom petals. The idea of a frozen rose, or an ice covered flower field seemed like just the type of imagery I enjoyed. Thus Wyntreblossom was born. So being online for years and years, people tend to shorten your gamertag and give you a nickname. So i've gone by Wyn in video games for SO MANY YEARS. I answer to Wyn quicker than I do to anything else. Wyn and Wyntre have been my alter ego or alias since I was 12 years old or younger. It is simply a part of me, who I am, where I come from and who I am becoming.
Choosing Wyn as my new name was a no brainer. A super easy choice. I already associated Wyn with my identity. And Its gender neutral. Its literally perfect for me. I claim it as mine and this name is unchangeable. You can't touch this. You can't have this one. This one change is happening legally no matter who wants it to or doesn't.
I. am. Wyntre.
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Middle Name:
Birth: Wyntre
Chosen: Nyx
Status: I know I want this changed to something more fitting. I have ideas on a vibe. But no ideas on a name. Grrrrrr
Summary of Reasoning:
I picked Nyx as a semblance of the Goddess of night, the daughter of the god of chaos, ruler of shadows and darkness. Look I was in a DV situation 10 years going after growing up abused (no shade mom. Everyone knows you've done the work to better yourself. You sucked as a mom when I was in my teens, can't lie. You rock now and I love you.) Darkness was and Is my comfort. I have many many mental disorders and my mental health is an integral part of my identity, weather people agree with my internalizations or obsessions over it or not, my mental health rules my daily life and determining reality from falsities is difficult in levels it shouldn't be due to nothing other than trauma. My mind is a chaotic swirling hypocritical demonic screaming hellfire pit of AHHHHHHH. I am a deep feeler. I am a big thinker. I am a writer. I speak and think and talk in similes and metaphors. I relate everything in life to other things or experiences. "Dark Chaos" felt fitting as a middle name.
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Last Name:
Maiden/Birth: Keen
Married/Current Legal: Fletcher
Chosen/Family: Mann
Status: IDK what to do I want so much.
Summary of Reasoning:
Keen was my birth name, but my dad wasn't a HUGE part of my life until my adulthood. As an adult, my dads great as far as dads can be I think. He loves and accepts me. We don't talk much, but when we do it's always fun and kind. We've never had an argument in the time I've known him as my adult self. I don't know him super well, and I'd love to know him better. But, all in all, he's a pretty solid dude. That said, my ties to him, and thus to the family name "Keen", aren't super strong. Yes they are there, and I feel kinship to my younger sister and would love to share with her. But it doesn't feel like ME. It feels like her and them and theirs.
My married name is Fletcher, which I share with my Daughter. Part of me wanted to keep the name and share it with Elena as she grew up to make life easier on paper work but.....that feels like a self sacrifice and while I am willing to make it, I think I'd like to be selfish this one time with my name.
Then there's Catherine. Oh my sweet beautiful Catherine. I plan to marry her and oh I dream about the day. I want to take her name. I want to be a Barthet. I want to claim her family and meld our lives. But that....That's still not about me. Who am I? There just aren't enough names. Maybe when we marry I'll add a hyphen. Hyphens are still cool right? But then... Which will I put first? Which second? And how does that work for paper work? Grumble.
Then there's me. My name. I feel the biggest pull and biggest ties to the Mann family. My grandfather, Terry Mann, (RIP 1950-2013), raised me. He cared for me when mom couldn't. He wasn't the best human by a long shot but that man. Oh that man. He was my father figure. He is my inspiration. I want to be like him. The family glue. The kind, fat belly, jolly laughing soul with a flare for chaos. The soul who somehow spews hyper chaos and kind love in the same breath. I miss him so much and I feel the closest to him and also his father, Alfred Mann (RIP 1929-2009) who similarly helped shape and raise me. If you ask me "who is your family" my mind jumps to granddad, papaw, the cousins and aunts and uncles on that side of the family and way's it has branched through the years. We have native american roots through Great Grandma Darla. This is my family. This is me. This is my name. I am a Mann. This name WILL be incorporated into my name somehow someway.
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Step 2: Let's talk about that middle name concept I mentioned. I kind of know my personality, and there is this DND/video game/RPG niche stereotype I fit into. And I doubt very many are going to know it by name so I feel a need to explain and also defend.
The name: Grog (Also the "femme" equivilant I retconned as Bertha)
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The context:
Grog Attributes I claim:
1. Powerful and sometimes reckless warrior with a heart of gold.
Why? I am a marshmellow. I am a golden retriever. I am a fragile, soft, squishy bean with a pure heart and a love for humanity. I see the best in people, always ering on the side of cautious optimism. I can't hurt a fly when I am in my correct and lucid mind. Even if I want or need to. It is almost and near a personality flaw of TOO KIND. My HP house before I disowned JKR was hufflepuff. It fits.
2. Strength and Bravery:
Grog is typically portrayed as a physically imposing character, often excelling in combat due to his immense strength and fearlessness. He's the one charging headfirst into battle, ready to take on any foe regardless of the odds.
Why? I am 280lbs of FLUBBER. My weight is a part of me. I am big, I am fat. I own that shit. I have adrenal, hormonal, and endocrine issues that mean I will never be a thin body. I am 5 foot 3 inches of 280 pounds of FAT. I'm not strong. Im not fearless. But I am stupid, I act first think later, and my size plays to my advantage a lot.
3. Recklessness:
One of Grog's defining traits is his tendency to act impulsively and without much regard for consequences. This can lead to daring feats of heroism, but it can also land him and his party in trouble when his actions aren't carefully considered.
Why? BACK to #2, I am a klutz and I am stupid. I don't mean that to insult myself. I am intelligent but also brick stupid. I have learning disabilities and had an IEP in school. I am a slow learner. I don't know how to use my brain. I. am. dumb. But I also have always had a high IQ. It's like spongebob. I THINK im doing the right thing and using logic, but really, im just making a mess usually.
4. Simple-Mindedness:
Grog is often depicted as being somewhat simple-minded, sometimes struggling with complex concepts or strategies. This can manifest as naivety or a lack of understanding in certain situations, which adds a layer of vulnerability to his character.
Why? Back to 3. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. My autism leaves me one track minded a lot or my ADHD squirrel brains me. It's just.....brrrrrrrrrrrrrt.
5. Love of Combat and Competition:
Grog thrives in combat situations and relishes the thrill of battle. He often sees combat as a form of competition, seeking out worthy opponents to test his strength against.
Why? Look man I hate confrontation and complications. But I love advocation and healthy deabate. Also...trouble just seems to find me. I'm trans, disabled, and neurodivergent. Come on LOL.
6. Alcohol and Revelry:
Grog is known for his love of ale and revelry, often indulging in drinking contests and rowdy behavior. While this can add humor to his character, it also highlights his hedonistic tendencies and his preference for living in the moment rather than thinking about long-term consequences.
Why? Ok I don't and Can't drink. So no to the alcohol. But I do use cannabinoids for seizure and fibro reasons. I'm in a pretty conservative state, so I mostly smoke THCA or delta 9 or 10. But still. I think it fits the "indulge in things" vibe no? If not, I also have a nicotine and caffeine addiction I can throw here.
7. Loyalty and Camaraderie:
Despite his flaws, Grog is fiercely loyal to his friends and allies, willing to go to great lengths to protect them and stand by their side in times of need. This loyalty often serves as a redeeming quality, helping to balance out his more impulsive tendencies.
Why? True to a fault. 10 years in a DV marriage, that ended MUTUALLY and on GOOD TERMS. (Remember. Not every post I make has to be targeted. I was abused for ten years and that's my truth. The other end doesn't have to be thought about all the time. My traumas have shaped me. Even If I can forgive forget move on heal whatever. The traumas happened and they shaped me. It's part of me.)
8.Growth and Redemption:
Over the course of his adventures, Grog experiences moments of growth and redemption, gradually evolving from a simple brute into a more nuanced and self-aware individual. This character development adds depth to his archetype and reinforces themes of personal transformation and overcoming adversity.
Why? I am CONSTANTLY seeking to better myself. I have been in therapy since I was 4. I havea folder on my PC with a PDF of the DSM-5 and DBT workbooks. I want to be a good person. I want to do good things. I want to heal and help others. I want to be self aware, know and check my flaws, learn how to manage them, change them. I want to grow as a human.
My growth was stunted for 10 years in an environment that did not promote growth or healing. I often feel like I am still that 17 year old suddenly waking up in my 28 year old body going "woah holy crap how'd we get here. Ok then welp guess this is what we are workin with".
I. want. personal. growth. hold. me. accountable.
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Bertha Attributes I claim:
1. Intellect and Wisdom:
Bertha is often portrayed as a character who values knowledge and wisdom, excelling in areas such as arcane magic, scholarly pursuits, or strategic planning. She's the one who thinks several steps ahead, using her intellect to outmaneuver her opponents.
Why: This balances out grogs stupidity. Remember I did have a high IQ and exceled in education.
2. Resilience and Determination:
Bertha is typically depicted as a resilient and determined individual, capable of weathering adversity and overcoming obstacles through sheer force of will. Whether facing physical threats or psychological challenges, she refuses to back down or give up easily.
Why? Nice way of saying "autisticly and obsessivily persistent"
3. Independence and Self-Reliance:
Bertha often embodies traits of independence and self-reliance, preferring to rely on her own abilities and instincts rather than depending on others for support. This can manifest as a fierce sense of autonomy and a reluctance to accept help or guidance from outside sources.
Why? It's more trauma based for me. I don't like to ask for or accept help due to CPTSD but it fits I think
4. Mystique and Enigma:
Bertha may have an air of mystique surrounding her, with a past shrouded in mystery or secrets yet to be revealed. This adds depth to her character and creates intrigue for both allies and adversaries alike.
why? who the hell knows who I really am? I sure as hell don't. Tell me if you figure out it though.
5. Elegance and Grace:
Depending on the setting and characterization, Bertha might exude an aura of elegance and grace, whether in her mannerisms, appearance, or fighting style. This contrasts with Grog's brute strength, showcasing a different approach to conflict resolution.
why? as a genderlfuid nonbinary I do still have a very minor and mild femme side connected to my female and AFAB upbringing. So while it is a lesser part of me, it is still there in some aspects.
6. Strategic and Tactical Prowess:
Bertha is often skilled in strategic thinking and tactical planning, able to analyze situations and formulate plans with precision and foresight. This makes her a valuable asset in both combat and non-combat scenarios, where her ability to anticipate and adapt can turn the tide of battle.
why? back to the IQ stuff.
7. Empathy and Compassion:
Despite her intellect and independence, Bertha is not devoid of emotion. She may possess a strong sense of empathy and compassion, caring deeply for her allies and striving to protect those in need. This compassionate side adds depth to her character and highlights her capacity for empathy amidst the chaos of adventure.
why? I am an empath and I'm a deep feeler. Enough said.
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Step 3:
What's the problem? It sounds like you've settled on Grog.
I have. and Wyntre Nyx isn't Wyntre Grog. And Wyntre Grog sounds......no THANK YOU. So does Wyntre Bertha.
I want a "grog" middle name that isn't "grog" and I am truly stumped.
Also - Open to ideas on how to marry the last names Mann and Barthet when I marry cat!
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Some recent selfies and art for vibe assistance!
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