Why?

 Glossary:

• AFAB: 
• assigned female at birth
• Enby: 
• a term used by some nonbinary people as a shortened form of nonbinary; a less formal way to express gender.
• Transition: 
• the process through which a trans person or gender expansive person transitions to match their gender.
• Packer: 
• A transition item that is basically a prosthetic penis, but can very in function from purely aesthetic to fully functional depending on price and quality.
• Masc/Femme: 
• Masculine/Feminine

— — — 

Why? Why HRT/GAC? Why not therapy? Why not God? Why would you mutilate yourself?

— — — 

    When I initially came out as nonbinary and trans, I was in a very abusive DV situation and was unable to fully and safely explore my gender expression and gender fluidity. Specifically I had to suppress my masc side, to the point of convincing myself I didn't even have one. It took a lot of therapy and healing to finally start to allow this portion of my identity to come to light. Is my entire life one huge “I HATE MY BODY” “oops i was wrong turns out I just hated all that stuff on my body when my body was more feminine."???

I look in the mirror now, and every time I smile at my little beard. I smile at the eyebrows and at my eyes. I used to hate my eyes. Boring hazel eyes, can’t even pick a real color! But now I see my eyes in photos or in my reflection and it’s almost magical. I’m not attracted to myself, but it’s a different kind of magic. A self love and understanding that I’ve never had before. Her eyes weren’t mine. But his eyes are mine, and they are beautiful on this face. 

I can look in the mirror and smile. Have you realized yet how important that is? I never hated fat. I hated the way my feminine fat looked on my body. The more my body changes, the more I fall in love with it. My muscles and fat are shifting and moving and my shape is changing. Finally. FINALLY it feels like I'm home. I can BREATHE. My PCOS seems to have embraced testosterone with open arms, triggering a sudden growth spurt of hair all over—Chewbacca would be envious. And my lower growth? Let's just say it's ahead of the curve, compared to some of the anecdotes I've seen and read. Now, about the chest situation – it's like they decided to call it quits early, leaving me with these saggy, deflated, sad sacks of skin as reminders. But you know what? Despite the ups and downs, I've never felt so at home. I smile when I look in the mirror. Did you read that? That's so new. I feel like me. Did you know if you buy men’s T-shirts instead of women’s, you won’t have that annoying low cleavage neckline. They actually sit at your NECK. I feel so fucking comfortable. I’m falling in love with myself for the first time. I feel like ME. It feels *right*. It’s that “click” we all want and wait for and DAYUM mine smacked me in the face.

This new guy? He’s an okay dude. Got a few issues but, turns out, he’s loveable. He may not be everyone's type. Hell, he sure isn't MINE. I wouldn't date him, gross! But he isn't ugly. He isn't......wrong. He looks right, now. 

The more you learn about yourself, the more you find there is to keep on learning.Growth is just that, growth. Continued changing, movement, and healing. It's supposed to be like that. Gender and sexuality are fluid social concepts. Sex is biological, sure. I am fine with you not liking my kind. We can shake hands and part ways there. Saying no thank you to normalization or saying "it is my opinion" in regards to someone's identity, is, by definition, discrimination. It gets no simpler. It ceases to be a valid opinion and now classifies as bigotry and hate. Period.

My advice to anyone, including myself, is take what information you are presented online with a grain of salt and do your own educated deep research on topics you feel a strong connection or tie to. Or anything really, but specifically things you are passionate about. Knowledge is power, And learning never stops no matter how we age. 

Always be willing to learn, search, grow, and absorb.