Family didn't come around.....In fact, it got worse.

I posted the following wall of text to my facebook following an incident where my blood grandmother, whom is still following me and friends with me on facebook and has yet to block me despite hanging up on and disowning me, reshared a political post in favor of a candidate who would see much anti trans legislature passed. 

Struggling with the loss of family. Community is so wonderful and I appreciate everyone of you so much.  

My own blood maternal grandmother is further proving to me that no matter how hard I try and no matter what I do, I'll never be good enough for her and I'll never be able to rekindle our relationship. All because she loves my birth name more than she loves me. 

My biological blood mother and I chose my new name together.  My biological blood father helped spell it.  My chosen last name of "Mann" is supposed to connect me to my granddad (may he rest in peace 🕊️.  The bond I had with him is not replicatable.). And to his side of the family.   But that's not enough.  That last phone call, she told me that I ether I allow her to call me Isabella without ever arguing with her or correcting her, or she would never speak to me again because I wasn't "respecting her age".  

Age isn't an excuse to be toxic to blood.  It isn't about trans.  It isn't about gay.  Bottom line, you don't get to choose what I do with my life just because you are blood and older.   I get to choose my path.  And when I did that, she hung up on me.  I did not hit the hang up button. She did.  And she has not spoken to me since.  

She continues to show support towards any and everything that is anti lgbtqia and it hurts my heart. I miss my grandma.  

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Extended family?  Well. The grand in law seems to hate me.  They think I'm using and abusing my new family. 

I battle daily with feeling like I am not enough. Not worthy. I've tried to leave 4 times because I felt like I was causing more trouble that I was worth. I'm disabled, contribute nothing, and have very nearly taken my life over it on more than one account. I've considered leaving Elena with Cat and Christian and just yeeting off with my mom in Colorado. I've considered a lot of different things and I know I am a burden and live with it daily. If anyone has any advice for me other than "See a doctor" or "get a job" id love to hear it. Should I just off myself? Should I take my kid and run and leave cat alone and sad? Should I finally commit myself to an assisted living home and give Cat my 50% of custody over Elena? It's already hard for queer couples to marry and adopt.  That might not be possible while I'm still alive. What would anyone suggest?

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Any efforts I make to talk, explain, reach out, teach, offer an olive branch or give another chance, it blows up in my face and I am always painted the as the bad guy 

I'm starting to wonder if everyone might just be right. Is it even worth the fight if I can't save my connections with my own blood? 

Yet I push on.   We take a deep breath and keep going.  Keep loving. Keep trying.   I'm not abandoning my life partner or my child. Not now, not ever.  Whatever struggles we may face, we will face them together.  As a trans couple, proudly bisexual and pansexual respectively, and never hiding who we are.  My child has a Mother.  Catherine. A step mom, my ex's new partner.  My child has father's.  Me.  Her other biological father/my ex husband (who I'm on civil talking terms with btw. There is no animosity between myself, cat, or my ex and his new partner. They are simply not part of my story anymore). 

Loss hurts.  Mourning hurts.  I'm angry. I'm sad.  But I'm.....letting go.   This is me choosing to say "I get it.  You will never love me.  That's ok.  I love you anyways.  I will never be violent or heated with you.  I promise. Family is still family.   But I will always defend myself and those closest to me when you try to hurt me or them.  That is my boundry. And this is me laying it out, unapologetically, bluntly, and hopefully in a way that is responsible respectfully and unable to be misunderstood.

I called her out, perhaps more aggressively than was called for, but all the same, it needed said. 

Which led to family I had trusted up until this point showing their true side. No I am not hiding or blocking out names. People who want to abuse me are NOT entitled to my silence. 

Grandma once again deleted all of my comments and then deleted the post. 

Now, the family are constantly viewing my profiles and checking my posts on all of my platforms, from facebook, to instagram, to tiktok. People who used to make me smile, and now I no longer feel safe. I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. They raised me and they turn their backs on me? So easily? So willingly? Remember my Grandmother started ALL of this. See original story by clicking here. 

What do you do when your own family starts stalking you? Block? What good will that do when they are family, know the rest of your family, your home, all of your personal details. What do you even do? I'm........beyond sad.