The hard parts of Transition.

TW/CW: Familial Transphobia

Sigh. My turn to take to the internet for a venty transphobic family rant. 

I feel like I tried. I feel like I really and truly tried but my hands feel tied and it sucks. 

When I came out as trans/nonbinary/genderfluid, I was one of the lucky few where most of my family was super supportive. I didn’t lose anyone, my mom bought me a flag, my brother came out as trans, even my niece and nephew have been brave enough to come out as queer. My mom just recently came out as aro/ace spec! So really I am SURROUNDED by positivity and support. 

So why does it hurt so bad to have that one family member that just can’t get on board? 

It’s been a running issue in my family since we all came out over the past few years that my Grandmother, my mothers Mother, cannot accept or respect our identities. My brother walked out one Christmas, cut off contact with her, and never looked back. He’s tried to reconcile but holds firm to his boundaries and I am so proud of him.

But I stayed in touch with Grandma. I wanted to TRY. She’s old, I’m a marshmallow. I love my Grandma. So I tried. I laid out my boundaries and kept steering topics away from sensitive ones. I’ve shown support for her therapy, lent an ear for vents. I’ve tried to educate and teach and I actually felt like so much progress had been made. 

The last time we had phone contact we talked about her age, dementia, therapy, and how she was struggling but she was trying and she wanted her grandkids around.

Tonight she called me…..

She called to talk to my 4 year old and touch base about end of life planning care for my recently deceased GREAT grandmother. 

Then she told me that my brother and her had reached out and spoken to her, which I already knew, and she kept misnaming everyone the entire time. I waited patiently and let her get her feelings out. 

I said look I love you and I am willing to work with you. I understand you have boundaries which are that you are old and can’t be expected to change, but I have them too. I cannot listen to you misname people so if you can't make an effort, we can't talk about them. 

She got heated, took it as an attack on her “boundry”, called me my deadname a few times. She kept pushing the fact about how truly old she was.

I said being old is ok. I love you and want to be around. But, my name IS changing. I expect at LEAST an effort to be made. If mistakes happen because someone is old or forgetful that's fine I smile and I move on with my life. But I expect there to be an effort. 

She deadname’d me again and I firmly and loudly said "That's not my name" and hung up.

This is probably the end of my relationship with her and I hate it. I saw it coming a mile away, I knew it would. I was prepared. But goddamn, for truth to come to pass sucks mega monkey balls.